Looking up inside a cloud of grey
by LostInTheLibrary
Summary: A little jot come from putting my ipod on shuffle. A lost character from the marauders.


**Put your music onto random and start writing as the first song comes on trying to relate it to the music and incorporating the lyrics if at all possible. NO SKIPPING! (Unless it's an instrumental) good luck.**

I'm the person time forgot. Lost to the ages as so many are. I wanted to struggle against it, the fate of never being known, but somewhere along the line the fight went out of me and I never found it. **If only I knew what I know**. I started life as such an excited, ready to take on the world, little girl. I'd smile when I heard my favourite song and I'd dance about not caring. I'd run in the sun and spin in the rain.

Things have changed and it felt different now. Rain always takes me back.

We'd started off as side characters in someone else's story but I'd started to feel I was in my own book in those days. It is different now.

It hurt so much to fall this far. And only in the freefall did I realise I was in love.

Lily Evans is my best friend and I've helped her through exams, family problems and certain people's attentions. I was always the supporting actress helping her to perform at her best. And don't get me wrong, I loving being her best friend but these last few weeks I'd felt centre stage. And now it was crashing around my ears.

Everything had started to change as we had become friends with the marauders; it was sillier, livelier and full of laughter. I found an ally with a very unlikely person; we had a common goal for uniting James and Lily. Later I discovered we had a very similar sense of humour and when something was funny I often found our eyes meeting.

And as time drifted by and Lily and James became closer I realised I was closer to Sirius too. And I was happy. I'd catch myself smiling for no reason. I was comfortable in my own skin. I laughed louder, smiled more and took teasing on the chin, where in the past I would have become grumpy. I'm not saying life was perfect, there were still arguments, essays and exams but it was better. The sun looked warmer and the rain magical.

Now starting out the dorm window, rain sliding down the glass as fast as my tears, I realise how much I must have twisted the little things to fit what I wanted. **If only I knew I was dead wrong all along.** Ever smile and shared glance. All the jokes and side comments. I'd over thought ever move until I'd convinced my-self that he liked me too. I knew differently now. **When it rains, that's when I remember.**

I'd been walking back from the library and as I'd rounded one corner, there he was. With another girl in his arms**. ****I tried to pretend it didn't hurt.** I don't think he even saw me. I wanted to burn him and me and the whole corridor down in that moment. I wanted to shout and scream and fight but it wouldn't have changed a thing. I did the only thing I knew how, I ran away, holding the tears locked inside until I could sob in peace. Pushing my books closer to my chest to press on the pain, holding in the sting of betray and snap of my heart. I could already feel the edges burning as if rubbing on each other.

**I ran through the empty stone because I'm all alone**. Disserted on a desert island.

**I'm an autumn girl on the endless search for summer and I need some love to warm my frozen bones.**

So I wrote. I scribbled everything I felt and wished and hoped down. I spilled my heart out in a letter that would never be sent and then set it alight. The flames licked and cracked in passion hues of red, orange and yellow. I nearly let them touch me before it burned away to ash.

It freed me. I felt alive. It made me real, not some silly character that always gets their happy ending because not every girl gets her prince.

Because** mine is not a new story, mine is nothing new, but it is for me****.**

**Dead Wrong – The Fray**

**Space – Hootie and the Blowfish**

**Higher Ground – Red Hot Chilli Peppers**

**Thank you - Jamelia**

**The Rain Song – Hootie and the Blowfish**

**See you at the show – Nickleback**

**The Letter – Macy Gray**

**Take what you take – Lily Allen**

**London's Burning – The Clash**

**Autumngirlsoup – Kirsty MacColl**


End file.
